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My dad sent me an email with this lists of funny one-liners.  So I thought I’d make a fun contest out of this.  After reading the list, submit the best bulletin misprint or church marquee saying you’ve ever come across.  The one I deem the funniest will win a FREE Greg Stier book – your choice of title!  Enjoy the read and don’t forget to submit your best…

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. 
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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.. 
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.

6 thoughts on “Funny Church Bulletin and Billboard statements

  1. In a Bulletin:

    Mark Joyner remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. He is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Kendall’s sermons.

    Zing

  2. Thanks for being the first entry Kenny. I will be taking entries through Friday, NOON Mountain Time and announcing the winner shortly there after. Right now, your odds look pretty good.

  3. This one hurt, because it was my former church and on a week I was preaching.
    Church Reader Board: “Congradulations to our Gradutes”

    I preechd reel good that weak.

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